Ever felt like you were on the outside looking in? I know I have, more than once.
Whether it’s in friendships, family circles, or even at work, being ignored or excluded can sting in ways that surprise us.
But it’s something we all experience at some point in our lives, even if we don’t talk about it openly.
Ostracism is when a person or a group decides to ignore or leave someone out on purpose.
It can make someone feel lonely or sad because they’re being left out.
People might do it to make themselves feel better, but it isn’t fair or kind.
Let’s face it—ostracism, or being deliberately excluded, can hit us at our core. It messes with our confidence and leaves us feeling like we’re somehow… less.
Over time, I’ve learned that while we can’t always avoid these situations, there are ways to respond that help us heal and even grow from them.
What I’ve come to realize is that coping with ostracism is less about ignoring our feelings and more about understanding and nurturing them.
So if you’ve ever felt this way, here’s what I’ve learned about finding peace and strength from the outside looking in.
1) TAKE IT SERIOUSLY
I remember the first time I felt completely left out in a group I thought I belonged to.
It wasn’t anything dramatic; no one explicitly said I couldn’t be there, but that’s exactly what made it so painful.
It was the quiet, subtle kind of exclusion, and the fact that it was so vague somehow made me feel like I shouldn’t be so upset. But I was.
One of the first steps to coping with ostracism is acknowledging that our feelings about it are valid.
There’s this misconception that feeling hurt by exclusion is a sign of weakness or sensitivity.
I used to think that if I were just stronger, it wouldn’t bother me. But, truthfully, feeling pain from ostracism is not a sign of weakness.
It’s a very real and human response to feeling disconnected.
I realized that we’re wired to seek connection and belonging; when that’s taken away, it’s natural to feel hurt.
So when you feel that pang of rejection, instead of brushing it off as “silly,” try to get curious about it.
Ask yourself: What exactly am I feeling? Why does this hurt me so much? And also, what was at play in this situation?
Sometimes, ostracism is intentional, and other times, people exclude without even realizing the impact.
Either way, acknowledging that ostracism affects us is the first step to working through it.
I found that stepping back and understanding the broader context—why someone might be acting this way—gave me some mental space to process my feelings and approach the situation with less intensity.
2) TAKE IT HUMOROUSLY
Admittedly, I’ve always been one to take things seriously.
When I feel hurt, I can quickly get into my head, analyzing and reliving the experience, which makes the pain sharper. But something amazing happened the day I decided to laugh it off.
I know, laughter might seem impossible at first when you feel deeply rejected. But if you can, even just a little, try to look at the situation with a light-hearted lens.
One time, after being left out of a friend group outing, I sat alone and thought, “Did the world actually end?” Of course not.